Dear Baby
by Alyssa86InMN
Summary: Kate documents her pregnancy in a journal to her baby. This is another Summer 2014 #CastleFicathon entry.
1. Chapter 1

12/28/2014

Dear Baby,

I found out about you this morning. I haven't told your dad yet because I am waiting for the right moment. It would have been perfect to tell him on Christmas, but as I said, I only found out today. I think I might wait until New Year's Eve, if I can keep it to myself until then.

I suspected I was pregnant a couple of days ago, but was too scared to buy the test. Your father and I have only been married for three months and while I wanted some time to get used to being married, I guess that wasn't in the cards. I am very excited to meet you and yet part of me is terrified. Will I be a good mom? Will you be happy with me as your mom? I know you will love your dad. Your older sister Alexis just adores him and I of course love him with all of my being. I hope to give you the best life you can imagine, I just worry I won't be able to do it.

You see, Baby, I have a dangerous job. I am an NYPD detective and I am often in the line of fire. I want to be with you for as long as I can, I just hope I won't be taken from you while you still need me. I'll do everything in my power to be with you for many, many years.

I love you so much already. Your dad and I created you because we love each other unconditionally. Soon we will have you and the love in our hearts will grow until it can barely be contained in our chests. I am in awe at how much I can love someone who I only found out about seven hours ago. When we meet in a few months, it will be love at first sight because I would have loved you for over seven months prior to that. Baby, I can't wait to see you for the first time. I'm already thinking of what to name you.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	2. Chapter 2

12/31/2014

Dear Baby,

Tonight your dad and I are getting together with some of our friends from the precinct at our loft. We will bring in the New Year with the ones we love and then I am telling him about you. He doesn't suspect, I hope. I did manage to get a confirmation from my doctor about you actually existing, so I am feeling a little overwhelmed with knowing you are really coming. Oh, Baby, I'm so in love with you and it has only been three days. You are half me and half your dad. We made you.

My doctor said I am about seven weeks along, so you will be here in thirty-three weeks. I bought my first pregnancy magazine at a corner market yesterday and I have been reading it in the bathroom at work so your dad doesn't know about it. There's so much to learn, so much I need to know before you arrive. Your dad has done this before, so I'm sure he'll help me prepare, but he doesn't know much about the mother side of parenthood, like breastfeeding and all the changes I'll be experiencing. That in itself is quite frightening but also kind of amazing how my body will change to accommodate you. Aside from the nausea and the increased hormones causing me to want to cry every once in awhile, pregnancy is kind of wonderful. I'm sure my thoughts will change once I'm the size of a blimp, but it just will mean I'm closer to meeting you.

Your dad should be getting home soon with dinner, so I should hid this notebook before he gets back. Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	3. Chapter 3

01/01/2015

Dear Baby,

It's 2 AM right now, but I had to write to you about how your dad found out about you. Your uncles Javi and Kevin and aunts Lanie and Jenny all came over to the loft around 9 PM. Your sister Alexis, your grandma Martha and your grandpa Jim were already here, considering two of them live with us.

My dad normally doesn't do much for the holidays, but I convinced him to come because this year is extra special … because of you. I was getting really anxious about telling your dad, but I really wanted to wait until midnight. When your aunts and uncles arrived, we all sat around in the living room while your dad served hors d'oeuvres to everyone. The food was a hit, of course, because your dad is an excellent cook. It's why I married him, among other things. We all chatted effortlessly for an hour or so, talking about work and family life. My dad talked about me growing up and then your grandma chimed in about your dad, some of the stories, I hadn't even heard yet.

Around 10:30 PM, your dad decided to pull out his Xbox and ask Javi, Kevin and even my dad if they wanted to play a couple of rounds of Halo, leaving all the women to wander to the kitchen to get away. Aunt Lanie asked if I wanted any wine, which I obviously declined. I think that made her suspicious because I almost never turn down wine. When we started talking about Kevin and Jenny's baby Sarah Grace, Lanie not so subtly asked when I was going to have a baby. I think I looked a little scared because I was afraid that she knew. I simply said, "We'll see where life takes us" and hoped that would satisfy her for a bit.

At 11 PM, we women asked the men to shut off the video games so we could watch the coverage of Times Square and they begrudgingly did so. I cuddled with your dad, feeling absolutely content in his arms, knowing some of the biggest news of our lives was about to happen in little under an hour.

As the clock counted down until midnight, I started to get nervous because I wasn't sure how your dad was going to react. Deep down I knew he'd be ecstatic, so I didn't know where the fear was coming from. When the clock struck midnight, everyone shouted "Happy New Year" and kissed the people we loved. Your dad leaned over and drew me into a tender but passionate kiss before telling me he loved me. We both stood up so he could kiss Alexis and I could kiss my dad.

As everyone's joy died down, I pulled your dad to the side and told him I had to talk to him. He seemed concerned, but I simply said to him, "Guess what?" then leaned forward and whispered in his ear, "I'm pregnant." I don't think it sunk in right away because it took him a couple of seconds to react, but he held me at arm's length while looking at me and asked, "Really?" He had a huge smile plastered on his face and I nodded in confirmation. That was when he drew me into an even more passionate kiss than before and hugged me tight. I started to cry, damn hormones, and everyone became suspicious. When your dad and I pulled apart he looked to me and wordlessly asked with a look if it was okay to tell everyone else. I nodded and that is how everyone else found about you, too.

We are both so very excited and I'm glad I kept the surprise quiet until tonight. Your dad just walked in and told me that I should be sleeping to conserve energy now that I am pregnant, so I unfortunately have to end this entry to you.

Remember Baby, I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	4. Chapter 4

01/03/2015

Dear Baby,

It has been two days since I told your dad and he's starting to get on my nerves, but I mean that in the most loving sense. Today at work, I was filling out paperwork. Your dad, forever my plucky sidekick, was sitting in his chair which he normally didn't do on paperwork days. He insisted on staying with me in case I needed something, which I was perfectly capable of getting myself and I told him that. He continued to insist that I needed him, so there he stayed. He eyed me like a hawk all day, waiting for the moment I appeared too tired to work. I yawned once throughout the day and that was enough to get your dad worked up and telling me I needed to go home. I almost yelled at him to leave me alone, but I firmly told him that he needed to back off a bit because he was driving me crazy. He didn't take it that well. Some pouting may have been involved.

When quitting time came at 5 PM, he started hinting, not at all subtly, that we should be heading home. I glared at him and he glared right back. I gave in, telling him I wasn't at all happy with his hovering, but I'd let it slide for now.

As I write this, I am lying in bed. Your dad is next to me also writing, but on his laptop and for a completely different reason. Your dad started writing books about our working partnership when we first met. I was a little peeved about it at first, but just like he did, it grew on me. The books, he says, are a love letter to me. He often dedicates these Nikki Heat books to me, but I hope the next one he includes you in it.

Your dad is now hinting again that I should be sleeping, so I will appease him and do so.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	5. Chapter 5

01/06/2015

Dear Baby,

I had a talk with your dad about his over-protectiveness and how it would be better for you and me if he let me be as normal as possible. He looked upset and he told me he only wanted to make sure you and I were okay and that I was taking care of myself and subsequently you. Maybe it was the hormones or maybe your dad had just pushed me a little too far, but I got very upset with him. I thought he was implying that I wouldn't do everything in my power to keep you safe and Baby, I would walk through fire, do anything necessary to make sure you were safe.

Before I was pregnant with you, I often missed meals because I was so busy with work. I drank a lot of coffee and I mean A LOT. I've given up the coffee and I have been making sure I eat as often as I should. Your dad doesn't know this, but I told my captain about you, so I could be restricted in the field. I can still go to crime scenes; I just can't do take-downs or arrests. I did it for you, not to satisfy your dad's need to protect. I only did it for your well being. I haven't told your dad because we are fighting now since our little squabble about me being safe. He's currently on the couch and I'm in the bed because I may have kicked him out of the room. Needless to say, I'm waiting for him to apologize. That probably won't happen for awhile.

Well, Baby, I must go to bed now if I can sleep without your dad beside me. I haven't done that in a long time, at least voluntarily, which is another story for another time.

Goodnight Baby, remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	6. Chapter 6

01/07/2015

Dear Baby,

I ended up crying myself to sleep last night. Never doubt that I am madly in love with your dad, but sometimes he just goes too far and I need to be alone to figure out what to do next. I kicked him out of our bedroom and I felt horrible about it.

Your dad and I were supposed to get married in May, but something happened that prevented us from walking down the aisle. Your dad was in a car accident on the way to the wedding, he was actually run off the road by someone who holds a grudge against us. I found his Mercedes up in flames and I couldn't hold back the sobs as I thought I had lost him forever. I later found out that your dad was still alive, but had been kidnapped. I was determined to bring him back. I didn't sleep for days just hoping to catch a break so I could find him. It wasn't until the sixth day of him being gone did we have a hit on a location. My team and I ambushed the warehouse where we found the man and woman who had taken him and your father gagged and bound on a chair nearby. My only concern was him. I rushed to him and found him barely breathing. I was so relieved to find him, but he still needed to recover from what had happened to him and I was determined to help him every step of the way. Your dad obviously got better otherwise you wouldn't be in existence.

This morning though, my thoughts rushed back to that time without him and I felt guilty for not being grateful to have him alive. It was not even five minutes later that your dad hesitantly knocked on the door and carried in breakfast on a tray with a beautiful pink rose in a vase. He looked regretful and approached me begging for my forgiveness and promising to back off from the over-protectiveness. I started crying again as he set the tray on the nightstand and caressed my cheek. He told me how much he loved me and all I did was sob. Finally, I got the words to come out and I told him I was sorry for taking him for granted. He smiled sweetly, told me again that he loved me and then kissed me. Needless to say and I'm certain you don't want to know this, but we never did get around to eating breakfast.

Next time I write, I will tell you all about our first prenatal appointment in two days.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	7. Chapter 7

01/09/2015

Dear Baby,

Today was a bittersweet day. Your dad and I got to hear your heartbeat today. I couldn't hold back the tears of joy knowing you are alive in my belly. Your dad even teared up a little before kissing me and thanking me for giving him you. I should really be the one thanking him because your dad changed my life and gave me things that I never could have dreamed about, including you.

The reason today is a bittersweet day though is because sixteen years ago today, my mother, your grandma was murdered. That day changed my life forever until someone named Richard Castle, the love of my life, broke down the walls I had erected around my heart and taught me about all the joy and happiness I was missing in life by wallowing in my mom's murder. Your dad gave me life, a reason to live again. I will love him forever for giving me everything.

Oh Baby, I can't wait to meet you, to hold you and give you everything you need. I'm just so happy right now.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	8. Chapter 8

01/12/2015

Dear Baby,

Your dad and I sat down and watched a movie from both of our childhoods, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I remember watching that movie with my parents at a drive-in movie theater in the 80s. I had the greatest time with them. I was dressed in my pajamas as I sat up front in between my mom and dad. Those were wonderful times and now I get to have wonderful times with you.

Because of the movie, your dad is insisting we name you Truly Scrumptious if you are a girl. He's still declaring that he needs to name you Cosmo if you are a boy. I'll tell you what, Baby, that will never happen. I am not having a child named such a ridiculous name, no matter how much your dad loves it. If I had my way you would be named after my mom in some way. I've been thinking of Eleanor Johanna if you are a girl, but haven't given much thought to boys names. I've still got 32 weeks until you are here, so I have time.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	9. Chapter 9

01/14/2015

Dear Baby,

I decided to look on some baby websites today during down time at work and see how you are growing. I found out that you are about the size of a grape. While I am not at all visibly pregnant, I feel like my mid-section has gotten a little thicker. Yesterday, I tried to put on the jeans I usually wear on days off, but found they were very restricting. I almost couldn't button them. I think a trip to a clothing store will be necessary very soon. Maybe I can drag along your dad and we can look at some baby necessities.

Every night before we go to bed I like to sing you a lullaby. Your dad will watch me as I caress my not-quite-there bump. I think I caught him tearing up a little last night. I know you haven't grown enough to be able to hear, but I like knowing in a few weeks that you will be able to hear me. When you read this when you are older, I hope you will be able to recognize the lullaby because I plan on singing it to you every night. The song goes like this:

Golden slumbers kiss your eyes,  
Smiles await you when you rise.  
Sleep pretty baby,  
Do not cry,  
And I will sing a lullaby.

My mother would sing this to me when I was just a baby. I'm passing it down to you from your grandmother who would have absolutely adored you. I'm sad that she never will get to meet you, but you will have so many people who love you that that makes up for it, I think.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	10. Chapter 10

01/15/2015

Dear Baby,

I was on call today and surprisingly did not get called in. Your dad and I decided to go out and look for some maternity clothes for me and then possibly stop by a baby boutique. We picked up some new pants and a couple of wrap dresses that would work well with my expanding stomach.

Your dad and I then stopped by a little boutique on Amsterdam Avenue and had a look around. I thought I'd be dragging him there, but he was pretty excited to be doing some baby shopping. I couldn't resist holding up some little baby shoes and announcing that they were the cutest little things I had ever seen. I, of course, had to buy them. They are tiny sneakers that can work if you are a boy or a girl. Your dad found a bib that he insisted we buy that said, "These fools put my cape on backwards." Your dad loves his superheroes. I decided to tease him when I held up a onesie that said, "He thinks he's my daddy." He wasn't very amused, but I had a big laugh over it. He wouldn't let me get it.

Seeing the few items we did buy sitting on our dresser makes me realize how very real this is all becoming. I don't feel pregnant quite yet, except for the occasional bout of morning sickness. I hope I'll feel it when I get to feel you move inside me or actually watch my belly grow bigger and bigger. I can't wait.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: I was trying not to do any author's notes for this story, but I had to address how Castle was a little OOC last chapter. I realize now that you guys were right, so I'll probably change that chapter slightly to fit his character.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I really intended on getting another chapter out yesterday, but I only got 2 hours of sleep and was exhausted last night. I hope to get another chapter up tonight.**

01/16/2015

Dear Baby,

We should expect you to arrive around August 18 according to some due date calculators I've been using on baby websites. It seems so far away yet at the same time not long at all. I have about seven months to prepare for you. I don't feel ready at all.

Your dad came to work with me today even though he had a couple of chapters due to his publisher. Apparently writers welcome procrastination, especially if their ex-wife is the one they are answering to. They case was pretty standard, if you could characterize murder in such a way. The husband caught the wife cheating and killed the boyfriend. Your dad and I enjoy the weird ones. They bring excitement and intrigue to a job that could become boring. As much as I love my job, I hope you never get into the field. It's too dangerous. I don't know how my dad manages to accept that this is my career. Even thinking about you putting yourself in danger voluntarily makes my heart quicken and I start feeling anxious. I haven't even met you yet, but I feel so strongly about your safety. I love you, Baby. We all love you.

Your dad is tapping away furiously in the next room, working on the next Nikki Heat. He got chewed out by his publisher and decided he needed to get to work. I'm watching him from the couch in the living room. Occasionally he will stop typing and I'll look up to find him staring at me and I'll give him a grin and he smiles his smile that I only see when he looks at those he loves. By the time you read this, you'll know what I'm talking about.

Remember I love you for always.

Love, Mom


	12. Chapter 12

01/17/2015

Dear Baby,

Your dad, Lanie, Javi and I decided to go out to a karaoke bar tonight. Ryan wanted to come, but Jenny needed him at home with Sarah Grace. Your Uncle Javi fancies himself an amazing singer, so he was excited to try and impress Lanie. He happened to be the first of our group to do a song. He decided to try a power ballad first, which was pretty good for an amateur. Your dad goaded him for choosing a cheesy song, and then Javi challenged him to sing. Your dad being himself took the challenge and at the next opportunity he jumped on stage. I was chuckling, waiting for him to be his ridiculous and outlandish self. That was when he pulled the microphone toward him and announced to everyone that he was dedicating the song to me, his "beautiful and pregnant wife." My laughing stopped and I waited in anticipation for what song he was going to choose. He started singing and let me tell you, Baby, it was amazing. He sang Elvis Costello's "She" and nailed every note, but that wasn't why I had a few tears in my eyes when he finished. He came back to the table and took a seat, leaning over to me and whispered a version of the last line of the song in my ear, "the meaning of my life is you." That was when I started tearing up. I looked at him with a watery smile, brought my hand up to his cheek and kissed him tenderly. I told him how I loved his song and of course how much I love him. We grasped each other's hands on the table and went back to watching the other singers, occasionally looking over at each other and smiling. God, I love him.

And I love you too, always, so remember that.

Love, Mom


	13. Chapter 13

01/19/2015

Dear Baby,

I had my first dream about you last night. You were a little girl with bright blue eyes like your sister and dad and dark chestnut hair pulled up in pigtails. You were so adorable. In the dream your name was River Song. I blame your sister for that; she has me watching Doctor Who with her. I won't officially know if you are a boy or a girl for another 10 weeks though, so I'll have to wait impatiently until then. Your dad is convinced you are a boy and is again pushing for the name Cosmo. I told him we could name a dog that, but not our child. We haven't been talking seriously about names but that doesn't stop me from looking up names online when I should be doing paperwork. I know your dad has some names picked out, besides Cosmo, because I found a list sitting on his nightstand. The first name he put was Johanna. If he was home when I found it, I would have kissed him senseless for even considering my mom's name for you.

Tonight, your dad and I are going over to my dad's place for dinner. He's making his infamous meatloaf with a secret ingredient he only told my mom. I expect him to be on his deathbed before he reveals it to me.

I'm currently sitting in the precinct, while Uncles Javi and Kevin are out following a lead. Your dad went out to get us lunch. I told him to bring back some sour candy because I have been craving that a lot. I wasn't really a fan of sour until I got pregnant, so I have you to thank for my constant puckered mouth.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	14. Chapter 14

01/22/2015

Dear Baby,

I'm scared, Baby. The doctor called me yesterday and suggested that I come down for a blood test. Because I am considered of "advanced maternal age" at the age of 35, he says you are at higher risk of having Down's syndrome. I told your dad and said that I didn't want the test because either way, I will keep you and love you forever, but he convinced me that I would be worrying about it the entire pregnancy if I didn't do it and if the test did end up indicating a high risk that we would have more time to prepare. I go in this afternoon for the blood test. Your dad is going with, of course, and said he will help keep me calm. I don't want anything to be wrong with you, but if you do have Down's I wouldn't love you any less. You are my child and I've felt a connection to you the second I found out I was pregnant. Your dad feels the same way.

Remember I will love you for always, and I really mean it.

Love, Mom


	15. Chapter 15

01/23/2015

Dear Baby,

Grief is a strange thing. I grieved for my mom for so many years. When my mom died, she left a big hole in my poor, inexperienced heart. I stopped living for probably ten years, only focusing on solving her murder. When I met your dad, my heart began to grow for the first time. It grew and grew until eventually I was completely, head-over-heels in love with Richard Castle. The hole left by mom was still the same size, but because my heart was now bigger, it didn't seem like the grief was encompassing my entire being. When I was welcomed into the family by your sister and grandma, my heart grew again and yet the hole still stayed the same. Then when I found out about you my heart not only grew it doubled in size, barely able to be contained in my chest. The hole that was left by my mom, now in comparison, is the size of a thimble, while my heart is the size of an elephant. That is what love does to you. You think your life will never go on after tragedy, but then love comes knocking and what seemed like the end of the world, truly isn't.

I'm taking everything in stride right now, trying not to worry about the results of the blood test, which I won't find out for at least a week. I really hope everything is fine. I have to believe it is. Your dad helped me believe in magic again and you my dear baby are magical.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	16. Chapter 16

01/25/2015

Dear Baby,

Your dad had a meeting today so he didn't join me at the precinct. Espo, Ryan and I had a fresh crime scene to go to around 10 AM. I was feeling a little queasy from having morning sickness when I woke up, but I figured I'd be fine for the rest of the day. I was wrong. I saw the body in the alley and felt instantly nauseous. I had to leave quickly. I ended up throwing up along the sidewalk. It was rather embarrassing. I went back to the crime scene and Lanie looked concerned. She asked how I was doing and I told her that if I weren't getting a baby out of the deal, I'd be pretty miserable, but that I just have to remember the morning sickness is only temporary. You are worth the occasional sickness; it just means that you are there. I hope the morning sickness disappears soon though.

I still have awhile to wait for the test results. I'm trying to keep calm about it and not worry, but I guess being a mom means you worry all the time, so I should probably get used to this. Your dad has been trying to keep me distracted and reassuring me that the likelihood of you having Down's isn't very high and that the doctors are only doing this as a precaution. That doesn't stop me from thinking about worst case scenarios.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	17. Chapter 17

01/27/2015

Dear Baby,

Last night, I was reading one of your dad's books (again) on the living room couch. I was pretty content there, rubbing my belly that has really started to pop out the last week or so. If I were wearing tight clothes all the time, a stranger could probably tell that I am pregnant. As I was reading, I heard your dad walk in the loft and I turned to see him with his hands behind his back. He looked guilty or at least like he was up to something. I smirked and started prodding him for information. He came and sat next to me on the couch, his hands still behind him. He had a grin on his face as he revealed what he was hiding. In his hands he held a black jewelry box about the size of a potholder. He insisted I open it right away. Inside the box was a white gold necklace chain with four tear drop pendants in between white gold spacers. They were all different. The first was a diamond, then topaz, then sapphire and the last one was a peridot. They were our birthstones, assuming you don't come early. It is a beautiful necklace and I will treasure it forever because it is my first piece of jewelry that acknowledges me as a mother. Your dad even mentioned that someday we'll be adding more to the necklace and I admonished him for even thinking of more kids when you still weren't even here.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	18. Chapter 18

01/29/2015

Dear Baby,

It has been a week since the blood test was taken. I have been an absolute wreck waiting for the results. They said it would take at least a week and here I am 7 days later pacing around the phone and jumping for it every time it rings. Your dad finally decided he had enough of my needless worrying and said that he was taking me somewhere. Then Alexis walked in the loft, getting back from her classes for the day. She seemed to tell right away that something was up with me and how your dad looked concerned. She asked if I wanted to go out to dinner with her. Just her and me. I told her that I had to wait by the phone, but she and your dad were persistent. Your dad finally told me that the doctor's office was closed for the night and that I should go to get my mind off of things. Hesitantly, I accepted the invitation.

Alexis and I went to Remy's for burgers, fries and shakes. Mine was, of course, strawberry. We discussed how we were getting ready for you and Alexis shared with me that she is very excited to meet you and that she was finally getting a sibling. I'm very glad that she accepted me as part of the family. I knew your grandma wouldn't be a problem, but Alexis is very protective of your dad and I have unintentionally hurt him in the past. I knew she didn't trust me, but I'm hoping that I have showed her that your dad is it for me. I'm not going anywhere willingly. I will fight for your dad until my dying day, just like I would fight for you and Alexis. This family is everything and now that I've experienced being a part of it, I'm not going to give it up.

Hopefully, the doctor will call tomorrow. I don't think I can wait anymore.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	19. Chapter 19

01/31/2015

Dear Baby,

The doctor didn't call until today. The last 9 days have been very hard for me. I want everything to be okay with you and if you did end up having Down's it would be heartbreaking, but we'd get through it and grow stronger from the experience.

The doctor called my cell phone while I was at work. I picked up and when he said who was calling, I had to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. Your dad was sitting next to me playing on his phone, but looked up when I answered. He saw my demeanor change and held on to my hand. The doctor told me that the risk of you having Down's syndrome was low and that I shouldn't worry about it. I thanked the doctor and then the floodgates opened and I started bawling. Your dad had no idea what was going on. He assumed from my tears that the test came back high risk. He stood up and gathered me in his arms, trying to soothe me. I finally told him that I was so relieved. He held me at arm's length with confusion on his face. I repeated the doctor's words and your dad grabbed and hugged me again saying he thought I was crying because of bad news. I could feel his shoulders relax then. He dragged me to the break room so I wouldn't draw too much attention to myself. We took a seat on the couch and he just held me until I calmed down. Your dad is wonderful, Baby. I'm so very lucky to be married to him.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	20. Chapter 20

02/02/2015

Dear Baby,

I have you to thank for the heartburn I've been experiencing the last few days. I've had heartburn before, but it seems worse now that I'm pregnant. I have been chewing antacids a couple times a day to relieve it.

Tomorrow I will be 12 weeks. We're getting close to the second trimester. I can't wait until I get to feel you moving inside me. It will reassure me that you are okay because I worry about you a lot. Your dad says that my worrying is proving how good of a mother I'll be. I hope I am the best mother I can be to you. Your dad and I have been discussing me working half-time after you come since we don't need the money, but I can still have some semblance of feeling like I'm contributing to our family financially. Your dad is trying to decide if he will be shadowing me still or staying with you. Knowing him, he'll choose staying with you as much as possible, but will probably take a few days a month to be with me.

We've been discussing and researching birthing classes in the area. Your dad says that the sooner we look the better. I still feel like it is a little early, but your dad has done this before with Alexis, so I'll trust him with this. He's been throwing around the idea of having the birth in our loft with a midwife. As much as I don't like hospitals, I think I'd rather go to the hospital. You never know what could happen when you are at home and away from doctors. I don't want our decision to hurt you in any way.

Well Baby, it is getting late and your dad is telling me he is going to bed and wants me to join him. I am a little tired too, so I'll go cuddle with him before we both fall asleep.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**If you want to follow me on Twitter my handle is AlyssaWriting. It's mainly me freaking out over Castle most of the time.**


	21. Chapter 21

02/05/2015

Dear Baby,

I figured I'd use this diary for you and tell you more about your daddy and me. Before we started dating, we had fallen in love with each other. Your dad told me he loved me as I was dying from a gunshot to the heart. I felt the same at that time, but was so scared to tell him that. Earlier that year, your dad started using the word "always" in our daily conversations. It soon became our word. It was the word we used to tell each other we loved one another before we were ready to really say it. To me, that word means that through thick and thin, the good times and the bad, we will get through it because of our love for one another and we are in this together forever. Your dad and I love each other so much that it can't be quantified because even attempting to wouldn't be expressing how we feel properly nor doing it justice. I hope one day you experience a love so devoted that even the thought of them makes your heart flutter or having them wrap their arms around you and feeling like that that is exactly where you were meant to be. For over 5 years, long before we actually were together, I felt that your dad was the only person who truly knew me. He held my heart long before I officially gave it to him. He's the only person in the world who knows how to hurt me, but he never would. I trust him with everything, my life, my heart, my love, and of course you. I will always love your dad, just like I will always love you.

Love, Mom


	22. Chapter 22

02/09/2015

Dear Baby,

I had a prenatal appointment this morning. Your dad came along of course and we heard your heartbeat again. I was still in awe of hearing your little heart keeping you alive. I don't suppose I will ever get used to it. The doctor said that everything is looking very good and your heartbeat is strong. He checked my blood pressure and it was normal too, so that is another thing I don't have to worry about right now.

I will soon be 3 months pregnant. Six more to go. My belly is growing bigger and bigger every week, yet you aren't even the size of an orange yet. I have to wait another 6 to 7 weeks before I get to actually see you on the ultrasound. Your dad and I decided to find out whether you are a boy or a girl because we want to be sure to get the right clothes for you.

I don't want to push gender stereotypes on you, but your dad is insisting on a superhero nursery if you are a boy. I want to do elephants no matter what gender you are because they have special meaning to my mom and me. I'll convince him on the elephants somehow.

The morning sickness I have been experiencing most days seems to have subsiding, which I am quite grateful for. I can go to crime scenes without worrying I'm going to contaminate the area. I still have a fixation on sour candy. I try to limit how much of it I have because I worry about developing gestational diabetes, but it's just so hard to resist sometimes.

My lunch break is over, so I must go. Your dad has been patiently watching me as I write out this entry, so I must give the nine year old on a sugar rush some attention or else he will mope.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	23. Chapter 23

02/12/2015

Dear Baby,

I was changing out of my work clothes tonight when I walked by the full length mirror and caught my baby bump in the reflection. I stopped where I was and ran my hands over my protruding belly. I imagined you floating around inside of me and I longed to hold you. I know you've still got some time to cook in there, but I'm very anxious to meet you. I didn't know your dad had been watching me from the bedroom entrance until I felt him wrap his arms around me from behind. I leaned into him as he told me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. It was the perfect moment. He ran his hands over my stomach and kissed my cheek. I love him so much. You are going to be so in love with him too when you meet him. He's a wonderful dad. He will claim I fell for his rugged handsomeness and all-around charm, but despite what he will tell you, seeing him with Alexis is what made me fall in love with him.

Valentine's Day is coming up soon and I have no idea what your dad is planning. He tends to go over the top on a lot of things in life, so I'm expecting Valentine's is not going to be any different. I'll tell you all about it in the next entry.

Remember Baby, I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	24. Chapter 24

02/14/2015

Dear Baby,

I'm lying in bed after quite an eventful day with your dad. I had to work today until 4 PM, but that didn't stop your dad from going all out for Valentine's Day. I arrived at work without him, he claimed he had to work on his next book, but I found out later what he was really doing. As I walked into the precinct, I spotted a big bouquet of red roses, at least two dozen, sitting on my desk in a crystal vase. I pulled out the card and it read, "To Kate, Always. From Your Secret Admirer." It was clearly from your dad. I think I blushed a little. I tried to put the flowers somewhere so I could work, but there really wasn't any place to put them. I ended up propping them up in your dad's chair. I caught myself looking over at them throughout the day and smiling.

Your dad insisted that I come home right after my shift was over, so no overtime for me today. When I walked in the front door of the loft, the place looked pretty normal, which was not what I was expecting. Your dad came out of our bedroom and greeted me with a kiss. He told me to close my eyes and he led me to our bathroom. I could smell a floral scent and when he told me to open my eyes the bathroom was lined with candles with rose petals thrown about. There was a bath drawn for me and he told me to get in and relax before we headed to dinner at 7. He sat outside of the tub and gave me a neck and shoulder massage while we listened to Billie Holiday on my iPod.

When the water grew cold, I got out and started getting ready for our dinner at Aureole. While I was putting on my makeup your dad came in with a basket. I stopped what I was doing and he handed it over. It was full of all types of sour candy, Sour Skittles, Sour Gummy Worms, Sour Patch Kids, Warheads, you name it, it was there. I started to tear up a little and might have called him my hero. I don't know what I was saying, to be honest, I was delirious from the sour candy craving that suddenly attacked me again. Your dad clearly knew the way to a pregnant woman's heart.

We left for the restaurant, your dad looking dashing in a suit and tie and I was wearing a little black dress that definitely showed off my baby bump. Your dad made reservations, of course, and we were quickly seated. We started our meal with some sparkling grape juice and our first course of white asparagus soup for me and potato gnocchi and artichoke for your dad. It was heavenly. For our main course your dad got roasted wagyu beef and I got the poached Maine lobster. Lastly for dessert I got the Black Forest cake and your dad got the rhubarb terrine. By the end of the night I was stuffed, but everything tasted absolutely amazing. Your dad discussed your arrival over dinner and how excited we are. He is still trying to convince me on naming you Cosmo, but I am not budging. I told him I want a name that won't remind me of the eccentric guy on Seinfeld.

To say I am pooped is an understatement. Your dad gave me a wonderful Valentine's Day. For his gift, I didn't go all out like he had. When he was getting ready for bed, I pulled out the gift and set it on the desk in his office. It's a vintage Underwood typewriter that I had restored. I figured him being a writer, he would love it. I put a piece of paper in the machine and typed out "I love you" and called for him to come in the office. I blocked the desk from his view and then revealed it when he came in. He looked shocked as he ran his fingers over the keys and told me he loved it. Even I can acknowledge that the machine is quite a beauty, so I can't imagine how your dad feels about it. He came over and gave me a kiss and then we went and lay in bed.

So, our third Valentine's Day together went off without a hitch. Next year we will be celebrating with you. I can't wait.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: I put a little of myself in this chapter as I desperately want a vintage Underwood typewriter and I happen to love Billie Holiday.**


	25. Chapter 25

02/18/2015

Dear Baby,

Something happened yesterday that had your dad and I worried about you. Around 2 PM, I felt some slight cramps in my abdomen. I didn't think much of it. Later on, I went to use the bathroom in the precinct and noticed that I was bleeding quite a bit. I panicked. I raced out of the bathroom to where your dad was talking to your uncles. I pulled him aside and almost started crying as I told him about it. He had fear written all over his face. Not two seconds later, he instructed me to meet him in the car while he grabbed all of our things so we could go to the hospital.

Your dad sped through the streets to the closest hospital and dropped me off at the emergency room while he went to find a place to park. I later found out he parked illegally nearby. I headed into the hospital and told a nurse that I was 13 weeks pregnant and bleeding a lot. She told me to take a seat and a doctor would be out shortly, but in the mean time had me fill out paperwork. Your dad came bursting through the door a little while later and started demanding that I see a doctor right away. I think the doctor finally saw me just to shut him up for a bit, but I'm glad your dad did what he did.

The doctor didn't seem as concerned as we were and I wasn't sure if that comforted me or made me even more nervous and angry. He had a nurse bring in an ultrasound machine and he took a look at you. It was the first time we ever got to see you. Your dad and I were in awe at seeing you on the screen. Your heartbeat was strong he said and it looked like the placenta was over my cervix which was why I was bleeding. He assured me that you were okay and that I should have a follow-up with my doctor. Your dad and I let out a huge sigh of relief. We weren't losing you. I don't know what I would have done if we did lose you. I would be devastated to say the least, but we didn't. We still have you and I will be forever grateful for that.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	26. Chapter 26

02/20/2015

Dear Baby,

Your dad and I went to see my doctor about the placenta previa that was causing the bleeding. She did another ultrasound and said that my case isn't as severe as it could be. The placenta is only covering a little bit of my cervix, so it could resolve itself as you grow. She wants me to limit my activity at work though to be safe, so I am not allowed to go to crime scenes anymore and have to stay at the precinct until further notice. She wants me to come in every week now to make sure I'm still doing okay. If the placenta previa doesn't resolve on its own or I bleed heavily, she's going to suggest that I go on bed rest.

My doctor printed out some ultrasound pictures of you and I have been fawning over them every chance I get. I have one picture sitting on my desk at work. I gave copies to my dad and your grandma too. I know I'm biased, but even from the ultrasound picture, I can tell you are going to be one beautiful baby.

Your dad and I have finally been talking seriously about names. The Cosmo suggestions have lessened, but he's still pushing for it. We both agreed that we like more traditional, slightly uncommon names. You probably won't be an Emily or a Jacob. While they are lovely names, we were hoping to find something less popular. You also won't be an Esther or a Bertram as they seem like very adult names to saddle a baby with. We have been leaning toward the names Josephine, Tessa, and Clara for girls and Finn, Micah or August or boys. We've still got time to figure out, so I'm not worried about it.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	27. Chapter 27

02/28/2015

Dear Baby,

It's been over a week since I last wrote in this journal. I've been busy at work. We were working a very intense case about a young mother who was murdered and her 6 month old baby was kidnapped. It was an emotional roller coaster for me. I found myself crying in the bathroom more and more as the days went by. I just couldn't dissociate that baby from you and all I could think about was losing you somehow and being completely helpless in getting you back. It was very rough. We ended up solving the case today and found the baby alive and well. His father was more than relieved and honestly, so was I.

Your dad has been being extra attentive to me this last week, allowing me to vent to him as much as I need and cry in his arms when I feel like I can't do it on my own. He's been worried about me overworking because of the placenta previa issue, but I think I've done very well for a workaholic. I stayed at my desk most of the day instead of walking around at crime scenes. I wanted to be there, but you are more important to me than my work.

I know this isn't a great update, but I've been very exhausted from the last week, so hopefully I'll be more wordy in the next entry.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a couple of days. I've had a lot on my mind and I'm going off my Tourette's medication, so I've been driving myself crazy. I hope to start up writing more often.**

03/03/2015

Dear Baby,

We've been having weekly ultrasounds to keep check on the placenta previa. I'm still bleeding every once in awhile, but it is lessening which is good. We get to find out what gender you are in four weeks and I can't wait to start decorating the nursery and buying more clothes. Your dad and I decided to buy a crib though. It's very beautiful. It's a cherry wood and has wonderfully ornate carvings in it. It looks like artwork and I almost didn't want to get it because I thought it was too expensive, but your dad insisted.

Even though we have money, I don't want you to ever be a spoiled, rich kid. I want you to go to college, work hard for your money, and do something you are passionate about. Having a purpose in life makes it much more fulfilling.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if my mother had not died. I imagine I would have become a lawyer just like her and my dad. I imagine I would be fighting for justice, just like I am now. I might have even been rich on my own accord, because we all know police officers don't make great money. The problem I see though is I would have never met your dad. You wouldn't be in existence. I'm sure your dad would say that we were meant to be together and we would have found each other someway, somehow, but what if we hadn't? I would have never experienced everything I have gained in the last 6 years. My mother may have been still here, and I desperately wish she still was, but what if her dying was meant to happen? What if there was a plan after all? I would hate for you to think that my life is better because my mom died, because in some ways it isn't and I miss her and need her more than ever, but in other ways if she hadn't died you wouldn't be here. I think my mom would have preferred that her grandchild existed than herself. It's the sacrifice mother's would do for their children. I would do that for you in a heartbeat. I remember taking a biology class in college where they said that the main purpose in animals is to perpetuate the species. Animals want to ensure their offspring survive so they pick mates with stronger characteristics of survival. It's natural selection.

That will be your science lesson for the day, but I must go to bed now. So, goodnight my dear baby.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	29. Chapter 29

03/11/2015

Dear Baby,

I have officially hit the four month mark today. You can definitely tell I am pregnant and not just fat, but people have been able to tell for several weeks now. It's getting more difficult to hide you under clothes and I don't really want to anymore. I want to show everyone that I am pregnant and so very happy.

This week I've been able to feel you moving. I wasn't sure what I was feeling at first. I thought it was gas or something, but when it kept happening, I realized it was you! You are having a grand old time in there aren't you? Maybe your dad and I should get you into gymnastics when you are old enough. Your dad hasn't been able to feel you moving yet, but I'm hoping it will be soon. He didn't really get to experience all this with Alexis. I want him with me the entire way, experiencing absolutely everything with me. He deserves that. You are his child, too.

My sweet, little baby, it's getting closer and closer until I can get to meet you and I'm still scared a little bit. I worry about being a good enough mom for you. I had a great role model in my mom though. I'll strive to be as amazing as she was. You don't deserve anything less.

Your dad and I are going out to dinner tonight and I should be getting ready, but I'm writing to you. Don't tell your dad.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: Sorry I haven't been updating very much lately. I've been busy during the day with job searching, school, and doctor appointments everyday that I end up really tired when it comes to be my usual writing time. I did celebrate my cat Willie's 14th birthday two days ago, though. She's always nearby when I'm writing.**

03/18/2015

Dear Baby,

You are quite the active one. Your dad is able to feel you kicking now. You should have seen his face the first time. It was complete and utter devotion and extreme excitement. His smile was so infectious that I ended up grinning like an idiot along with him. You have brought us a lot closer. We are having a child together and there isn't anything like that. It will either break some couples or make them stronger. You have managed to make us stronger and even more in love, not just with each other, but with you too.

I was sitting on the leather couch the other day in the living room when you started moving again. You were bouncing all over in there. I sat completely still and as you moved, the couch squeaked because of your activity. You really are very active. I hope you won't be quite this excitable when you are here. I don't think your old dad could keep up with you.

Monday we get to find out your gender, hopefully. I'll be almost 19 weeks by then. The doctor has been checking with ultrasound to keep tabs on the placenta previa, but she hasn't been able to see what you are quite yet because you seem to be a bit shy. We are all hoping you will reveal to us who you are.

You started being able to hear us a couple of weeks ago, so I've been putting headphones on my belly and playing your dad reading you books. He also wakes up every morning, before I'm even awake some days, and starts chatting with you. I'll wake up and stay quiet as I listen to your dad tell you stories of our adventures. He's so sweet. I'm still singing you our lullaby every night, but I've started to talk to you also. Sometimes I'll read past entries in this journal, other days, I'll just read aloud from some books that I am currently engrossed in.

Remember, Baby, I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: My mom said that when she was pregnant with me, I moved so much that I would make the chair move too, so that is where I got that idea.**


	31. Chapter 31

03/23/2015

Dear Baby,

Hoping that today was going to be the day we find out who you really are, your dad and I brought Alexis to the ultrasound appointment. She must have been our good luck charm because you showed yourself shamelessly. Alexis was pretty excited to find out and also to experience an ultrasound in person. The doctor put the gel on my belly and found you within a couple of seconds. She moved it around a bit to find what we were looking for and there it was, right on the screen, evidence that you are indeed our little girl. Alexis giggled with excitement at the thought of having a baby sister. I started crying as your dad and Alexis hugged before he looked down at me with a huge smile on his face. He kissed me and thanked me for giving him another daughter to spoil. I am so grateful for our little family; I should be the one thanking him.

Your dad took Alexis and me out for a celebratory meal at Remy's. I had to stop him from telling everyone our news. He did let the waitress know though. The waitress ended up bringing out a complementary piece of red velvet cake. She said it was the closest thing they had to pink.

I told your dad that it was time to start planning the nursery now that we know for sure. I'm still pushing for elephants and he still wants superheroes. Although Alexis likes the idea of superheroes, she is on my side because elephants are more baby friendly. We'll get our way somehow. Your dad can't resist us Castle women.

Remember little girl I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	32. Chapter 32

03/29/2015

Dear Baby,

Your dad and I were starting to narrow down girls names we like for you. It was down to Tessa and Clara. We were butting heads about which one to choose. He wanted Clara and I wanted Tessa. It was starting to be an all out war with little notes left around the house about why the name we liked was better. It was all-around passive-aggressive. Last night though, your dad and I decided to go to a little family Italian restaurant down the road. We were chatting effortlessly, sometimes about the case we were working on and sometimes about you. Our waitress came to our table and greeted herself as Evangeline. My eyes grew wide and practically shouted "that's it!" Your dad thought the pregnancy hormones had made me temporarily lose my mind, but he asked what I was talking about. I told him that Evangeline is the perfect name for you. Our poor waitress didn't know what to think and said she'd be back to take our order. Your dad looked to me, grabbed both my hands over the table and asked if I was serious about the name. I nodded, ecstatically. He smiled at me and said, "I think it's perfect too." So my dear baby, you will now be known as our little Evangeline. We are thinking of calling you Evie though since Evangeline is quite a mouthful for a little kid.

So goodnight, Evangeline. Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	33. Chapter 33

04/03/2015

Dear Evie,

Your dad, Alexis, your grandma and I celebrated your dad's 44th birthday on Wednesday. Don't tell him I said this, but he's kind of old, don't you think? I'm only kidding. He and I will be some of the older parents when you come along and I hope that won't bother you. I would have loved to have had children when I was younger, but I didn't meet the love of my life until I was 29 and we didn't start dating until I was 33. I don't think I would have been emotionally ready for a baby before now anyway, so I guess there was a pre-destined plan after all.

For your dad's birthday, we had a nice family meal at home. I made lasagna and Alexis prepared a salad and bread sticks. We told your dad to spend the day relaxing, but he really wanted to help with dinner. I banned him to his office until dinner was ready. I found out at dinner that your dad spent his forced time in the office writing a poem to you. He wouldn't let me see it because he says he wants to get it perfect. I hope I can put it in this notebook when he shows it to me.

After dinner, everyone sat around the TV to watch some sci-fi show your dad loves. I will forever be a Nebula 9 fan and no matter how much your dad tries, I won't budge on that being my favorite sci-fi show.

After Alexis and your grandma went to bed, I wanted to give your dad his birthday gift. He insisted that I didn't need to give him anything because I was giving him the best gift in a few months, you. I ignored his comment and gave it to him anyway. Your dad isn't the biggest sports fan, but my dad wanted to take your dad and me to a Yankees game next week, so his gift was tickets to see the game. He seems to be excited about it, which I'm quite pleased about.

Remember Evangeline I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: I really need to stop staying up so late... I have a job interview in 7 hours, so I better actually sleep.**


	34. Chapter 34

04/08/2015

Dear Evie,

Your dad, grandpa and I went to a Yankees game today. It was pretty fun. Your dad and I told my dad that we decided to name you Evangeline Johanna. He was very touched that we chose to use my mom's name as your middle name. He told me how much my mom would have loved you. I have no doubt in that. My mom was a very loving person and even in a career that made her see the worst of people, she always believed that people were inherently good. I unfortunately did not inherit that optimistic belief. I want that for you. I want you to see how wonderful this world is, but not turn your head on the suffering that does occur. I don't want you to be cynical of life, I want you to embrace it and experience everything it offers you. I want you to be worldly. I don't want you to live in the safe bubble that is home. Grab life by the horns; don't be afraid to fall, for when you fall you see who you truly are and who your real friends are. I will always be there to help you back on your feet. Never forget that. I will always love you, no matter what. Absolutely nothing will ever change how much I love and adore you. You are my daughter, my flesh and blood, my everything.

The Yankees game was quite tiring, even though your dad refused to let me climb the stairs to get food. He was more than willing to get me everything I needed. I think my dad is very pleased that your dad takes such good care of me. I hope he sees how much we adore each other.

Well, my dear Evie, I must rest now. Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	35. Chapter 35

04/14/2015

Dear Evie,

I finally convinced your dad to let me read the poem he wrote. He says it isn't perfect quite yet, but it is getting there. It is a beautiful poem. Your dad is an amazing writer. I started to cry while I read it because it showed how much he loves. He described perfectly how you are our greatest creation. I wrote the poem out for you:

Evangeline

A serendipitous surprise,  
After months of hardship and kismet,  
You were there,  
And we were struck  
With the purest form of love,  
Not ephemeral but everlasting,  
Forever, eternal, always,  
You held us in wondrous fascination,  
Our hearts free and open,  
Love flowing effortlessly  
From us to you, our Evangeline.

I hope you will read this when you are older and realize this notebook and your dad's poem are our love letters to you.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: I will admit, I hate poetry and I am very bad at it. I tried to do at least decent on this one.**


	36. Chapter 36

04/19/2015

Dear Evie,

In a few days I will be 22 weeks. You will be here very soon and I can't contain my glee. I feel you moving inside me almost every day. Sometimes you keep me up at night because you are so active so I'll sing our lullaby and you will calm down and allow me to sleep.

Although the placenta previa seems to have gotten better on its own, my doctor still doesn't want me to go to crime scenes and she'd prefer that I stay off my feet as much as possible. I'm itching to go back into the field, but you are more important to me than my job.

I find myself frequently touching my bulging belly, wanting to be closer to you, hoping you know that I have my hand over you.

Well, my little Evie, I think it is time I told you a story. It's a story of true love. A story that is very dear to me and will hopefully help you understand me. It's the story of Katherine Beckett and Richard Castle. Your dad and me. After my mom died, I felt alone in the world. My dad was being beaten down by alcohol and I didn't know what to do anymore. One day, I went into a little bookstore and perused the titles. I ended up in the crime and mystery section and felt drawn to this one particular book. It just spoke to me. It was In a Hail of Bullets, one of your dad's earlier books. I pulled it off the shelf and brought it to a sitting area where I plopped into an armchair and began to read. I read and read, completely oblivious to the world. Your dad's words were tales of justice, survival, getting up when life kicks you down, and going on despite tragedy. They told me to not give up, to fight for life, and not let my circumstances get the better of me. A bookstore employee approached me, what felt like minutes after I began to read, and I looked up to see the store empty and darkness outside. I had been there for hours, completely engrossed in his words. I needed to buy the book; I wasn't going to let it sit on a shelf while I left. As I was leaving the store, I noticed a sign saying Richard Castle was going to be signing books at the store that weekend. I knew I needed to be there.

The weekend came around and I walked back to the bookstore. There was a line forming out the door, but I didn't care even though it was freezing outside. I needed to tell your dad how much the book affected me. As I moved closer and closer to him, I caught glimpses of him and felt my heart flutter in anticipation. He was so handsome, dreamy even. I was enamored instantly. My turn soon came and I handed him my book, but I was so tongue-tied and awestruck that I couldn't say what I wanted to say. He looked up at me, smiled his charming smile and asked for my name. I managed to squeak it out and before I knew it, I was being swept away by bookstore employees. I missed my chance and I was disappointed in myself. As I was leaving the store, I opened the book to where he signed and it said, "Kate - Your eyes are full of stories. – Richard Castle." My cheeks flushed and I smiled what felt like the first time in months.

Your dad, understandably, does not remember this first meeting, but it changed my life. I felt like I had a reason to get up in the morning. Your dad's words gave me hope and purpose. They saved me in one of my darkest periods. Your dad continues to save me from bad guys and even myself sometimes.

In the next entry little one, I will continue the story of your dad and me. Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	37. Chapter 37

04/25/2015

Dear Evie,

We've started decorating your nursery. We settled on elephants finally and your dad is taking it to extreme measures. He always does everything in extravagance and excess. I had to stop him from buying a 4 foot elephant stuffed animal. It just wouldn't fit in the room. We began with painting the walls a friendly yellow, like the sun rising on a summer morning. Alexis has been practicing drawing elephants for a few weeks now, trying to get the perfect depiction of one for the walls. The first one she managed to paint on the wall is cute and very well done. She wants to do an elephant family with a grandma and grandpa, mommy and daddy, and two little elephants that represent you and Alexis. I can't wait to see the finished product. We still have a lot of work to do on it, but we are getting there.

I told you that I would continue with the story of true love so I will. I'll jump a few years in the story though to when your dad and I met for a second time, but this time your dad actually remembers. At this point it was 2009 and I had basically read every single one of your dad's books, several times. Because of my knowledge of his work, I noticed a connection to a murder that I was working. I decided to locate your dad to ask him a few questions about the case. I walked into the book launch party for the last Derrick Storm book and found him talking with your grandma and Alexis. I got his attention and he turned to me with this smarmy look that frankly pissed me off. He was the exact opposite of when I first met him, but when I looked into his sparkling blue eyes I'd be lying if I didn't say my heart jumped. Despite his demeanor, I couldn't help but feel drawn to him. I pushed all feelings of attraction deep down, not wanting to acknowledge them because, as I said, he came off as a pompous ass. Despite the conflicting feelings I was experiencing, when your dad kissed my cheek during that first case, I had to fight the urge to grab him and plant a big one on his lips.

The attraction was there from the beginning, no doubt, but it wasn't until about a year after working together that I found myself longing to see him when he was away, thinking about him at all hours of the night, and having dreams about him that made my heart race. I continued to push every new feeling down, smother it as best I could. I was in deep denial. In May 2010, I finally had enough with the flirting and dancing around each other and was about to tell your dad that I wanted to start something with him, but then his ex-wife walked into the precinct and ruined all chances of that happening.

Another year of unresolved tension, boyfriends, and girlfriends led your dad and me to one fateful afternoon in a cemetery. I was shot in the chest, fighting for my life. Your dad was cradling me, telling me not to leave him and then he said those three words that changed everything. He told me he loved me, twice to be exact. I looked up at him, fear in my eyes and longed to repeat the words back, but I couldn't. I wasn't ready.

Your dad visited me in the hospital after I had surgery. He looked so hopeful, so in love, but I ended up breaking his heart when I told him I didn't remember anything, when in fact I remembered everything. I wanted him to say them again so I knew for sure that he really meant it, but he didn't. I pushed him away and three months later I finally reconnected with him.

The tension was still there, there was no way to deny that. My heart fluttered and my fingertips would tingle every time he looked at me. I was so in love with him but too scared to do anything about it. After a fight and confessions of secrets we kept from one another, I found myself at his doorstep, hoping he could forgive me, hoping he could love me. He opened the door and I told him he was all I ever wanted. Just him. I kissed him, pouring everything I felt for him in that kiss without actually saying the words. I was a goner. I was completely in love with him.

So, that is the story of how we came to be. I want to tell you more about this love story, how we finally got married. I'll save that for another day.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N: I got a tiny bit carried away with these last 3 chapters. I just couldn't stop writing them. I hope you enjoy!**

05/04/2015

Dear Evie,

I haven't written in over a week because your dad and I have been out enjoying the beautiful weather. A couple of days ago, we had a picnic in Central Park just savoring our alone time before you come and we become a family of four. I'm getting bigger and bigger by the minute it seems. I sometimes find that I have trouble getting out of bed so your dad has to help me. I can't imagine what it's going to be like in three months time.

I had another dream about you last night. You were a chubby little thing, probably around 10 months. You had wispy, brown hair and bright, expressive blue eyes like your dad. I had you lying on the floor with your shirt pulled up as I blew raspberries on your pudgy, little belly. You were giggling and I was smiling down at you, so in love. I woke up with my heart soaring, blissfully content.

I promised the next chapter in our story, so I will tell you about our first attempt at a wedding and then the actual, successful wedding. We had been planning our wedding for several months when the day finally came. We had some obstacles to overcome like a past marriage of mine that I didn't know about. I later found out it was all a ruse and I had, in fact, never been married. After three days of chasing my supposed husband for a divorce, your dad and I were going to get married at the Hamptons house. I arrived at the house before him while he went to get our marriage license. Your dad called me from the road telling me he was nearly there. My heart was fluttering with excitement. I was so close to marrying the love of my life and I couldn't wait any longer. About an hour later, I got a call from the local police saying there had been an accident. My heart sunk, panic and dread coursing through my veins. I raced out of the house to the scene and saw your dad's car on fire. I assumed he was in it and died. I was utterly heartbroken. We all found out later that your dad had been kidnapped by someone who held a grudge on us. I searched for him for over a month, hoping and praying that I would be able to find him alive. We caught a break on Independence Day and managed to find your dad and his captors in a warehouse in New Jersey. I was in tears, so grateful to finally have him in my arms again. Your dad had some injuries from his time in captivity, so we pushed our wedding back until he was better. We decided to have our wedding on September 20th.

The day quickly came and I put my mother's dress on for a second time, hoping this time the outcome would be different. Soon it was time to walk down the aisle. I stood at the back door to the Hamptons house, holding my dad's arm. I looked down the path that would lead me to my future, my everything and your dad lovingly gazed back at me, his face so full of wonderment and joy, my face mirroring his. My dad and I walked the aisle and I grabbed your dad's hands when we finally met, giving him a squeeze and a brilliant smile.

The time to recite our vows arrived. I had been preparing my vows for months and I thought I had them perfected. This is what I said: "Rick, I can't convey how much you mean to me in just words, but I will try. I reread 'The Princess Bride' recently and I came to realize some parts of the book described our journey. 'Her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high.' Just like Westley did for Buttercup, you scaled my walls, you obliterated them into dust. You showed me how willing you were to wait for me, proving how deep your love for me was. My dear Rick, you are everything to me and like Princess Buttercup, 'There is no room in my body for anything but you. My arms love you, my ears adore you, my knees shake with blind affection.' While I can't describe how great my feelings are for you, I vow to show you every day for the rest of our lives that I love you, I adore you, and I can't imagine my life without you. You have my heart, always."

Your dad's vows were perfection. He is after all the writer. We exchanged rings and finally, after everything we had been through, we were pronounced husband and wife. I couldn't have smiled any wider in that moment as he grabbed me and kissed me with so much passion my knees felt weak. The guests cheered and we continued to kiss until your aunt Lanie loudly cleared her throat and nudged my back. It had been a long time coming and I wouldn't have changed anything about that day. It was one of the best days of my life.

Three short months later, we found out about you and life was wonderful. I hope you find a love like ours. You deserve that and so much more. Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N: Not sure why I'm suddenly writing much longer chapters, but hey, I'll take the inspiration when it comes.**

05/10/2015

Dear Evie,

Today is Mother's Day. This day has always been a sad time for me. I lost my mother 16 years ago, but it still fills me with sorrow when I think about her. I wish she were here. I wish she could give me advice on motherhood. I wish she could meet you, your dad, Alexis, and your grandma. She would have doted on you and loved you to the moon and back. There is something special about a mother's love and I have been missing that for so many years. Your grandma treats me like a daughter and I love her for accepting me, but she isn't my mom. I hope I don't leave you when you still need me. I'm sure there is never a good time to lose your mother, but I hope that when I die it won't take you by surprise and make you close yourself off like I did.

Your dad, knowing how hard this day is for me, held me close in bed while I told him everything about my mom. He's heard it before, but he let me tell it again and cry on his shoulder when I needed to. He assured me that from this day forward, Mother's Day was going to mean something different because I would have you. He told me he wanted to take me out for the day to celebrate my being a mother. I was hesitant because I didn't feel like a mother yet. I still have to meet you. He said it was nonsense and dragged me out of bed to get ready.

After he prepared brunch, your dad took me to the New York Botanical Garden in the Bronx. He knew that my mom would take me there sometimes and we'd admire all of the flowering plants and smell the wonderful scents of nature. I wanted to see the tulips in bloom. Tulips were my mom's favorite flower. She said they were nature's example of resiliency and adaptability because they are planted in the fall, when everything is dying and begin their growth throughout the fall and winter months. When they bloom, they will follow the sun until nightfall. She said they showed her that despite the rough times, beauty will result and even though everything is changing around you, you need to learn how to go with the flow to survive. I started crying again and your dad took me in his arms and just held me for as long as I needed. I finally stopped and he led me to another part of the gardens.  
We made our way to the crabapple trees. We held hands as we took in the splendor of the deep pink, red, and white trees. Your dad led me to a grove-like area where the crabapple trees almost created a tunnel. I walked up ahead while your dad lagged behind. I found out later that he had taken a picture of me, my white cotton dress accentuating my bump, my hand on my belly, looking to the sky. He said it was the definition of beauty.

We were there for a couple of hours before I became incredibly exhausted, so we headed home. It was quite possibly the best Mother's Day I have had in a long time. Your dad knows exactly what I need and I will love him forever for that.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


	40. Chapter 40

05/18/2015

Dear Evie,

Three months from today, we should hopefully be holding you. We are still working on your nursery, but it is nearly completed. We still need to get some essential furniture. My dad brought over a rocking chair that actually belonged to my mom's mom who passed it on to her. It is a pretty solid chair despite its age. I sit in it now and can almost feel my mom's arms around me.

Your dad has a new book coming out next week, so that means he will be heading out on a book tour for three weeks before you arrive. We are both hoping that you don't decide to come early, but I will be here with your grandma and Alexis, so I will have someone if something were to happen. I am not looking forward to him being gone. I always miss him desperately when he is gone for long periods of time. He has an obligation though and I don't want him gone after you arrive because I don't know if I could handle being a brand new mom for three weeks without his assistance. So, Evangeline, I hope you don't start disobeying your father and me by arriving three months early.

My doctor cleared me so I can go to crime scenes again. I'm obviously still not allowed in take downs, but frankly I don't think I could do that. It's hard to run when your belly is protruding so far from your body. I went to my first crime scene in a long time a few days ago and it is hard being the pregnant cop. I feel like people are expecting me to break at any moment. Your dad stopped doing that to me a couple of months ago after I yelled at him, so to still have it happening is frustrating. It's hard enough being a woman on the force, but pregnant too?

Your dad has started to pack for his trip. He wants me to fly out and visit him sometimes, but I don't know if I am able to fly when I'm six months pregnant. We'll see.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: I got a new job today with a grocery delivery service. I can't seem to get away from the grocery business. Oh well, at least now I don't have to deal with customers and I get to work in a cooler so I won't overheat (70 degrees is way too warm for me, bring on 40s baby). Anyway the hours are overnight and since my writing time is usually overnight it might be a little harder to update this story frequently, but I'll try my best.**


	41. Chapter 41

05/27/2015

Dear Evie,

Your dad has been gone two days and I miss him so much already. I have a hard enough time sleeping because I'm pregnant, but with him gone it is a lot worse. We call or Skype each other every night, but I still need his physical presence; it's just more comforting.

As he was leaving for the airport, he leaned down and started talking to you, telling you how much he loves you. You must have heard him because you started kicking so much that he could feel it. He looked up to me with an awestruck smile and kissed my belly. Before he left he kissed me in a way that made my knees weak. He's the only person who has ever had that effect on me. Then he was gone.

The last two days have consisted of me going to work, doing paperwork, coming home and eating with your grandma and Alexis, and then heading to bed to wait for his call. I don't know how I am going to handle the next 20 days. It is going to be rough. I'm sure it is hard on your dad too, not being here to watch as you grow inside of me. It had to be done at this time though, otherwise if you were here, he wouldn't ever go on a book tour because he'd want to see everything you do.

He should be calling tonight, pretty soon in fact, from Cleveland. He was in Philadelphia and Pittsburgh yesterday. He's slowly making his way west before his last stop in Los Angeles, then he'll be come back to us. I can't wait.

Remember Evangeline, I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: Yeah, if you ever work in a 50 degree cooler, I recommend wearing proper clothing. I got home from my first day and was so cold. I ended up having to hunt down an extra blanket (all I could find was a Snuggie though) so I could warm up. My skin was still cold to the touch four hours after getting home.**


	42. Chapter 42

06/01/2015

Dear Evie,

Now that I am 29 weeks, I have been anxious to start birthing classes with your dad. I obviously can't do them right now since your dad is still on the tour for another two weeks. We have 3 weeks of classes starting when your dad gets back though.

Your dad has been calling everyday as usual and my longing for him to be here just grows and grows each day. I feel a little pathetic that I can't seem to function normally without him here. I have never been like this with any other person. Just your dad. I'm still going into work each day, fulfilling my obligations, but it just isn't the same without him sitting by me at my desk. I've been waiting for your dad to call me tonight for the last two hours. I'm starting to get worried because he never misses a phone call. I don't think I'll be able to sleep if he doesn't call. I don't have to be at work tomorrow, so I will stay up until I hear from him.

Well Evangeline, I'm going to go read one of your dad's books to hopefully calm my nerves.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: Sorry for not updating sooner. See my profile for my excuse. ;-)**


	43. Chapter 43

06/02/2015

Dear Evie,

Your dad never did end up calling last night. That ended up being okay because he was actually on a plane to New York to come home for a couple of days. It was about midnight and I was still reading when I heard the bedroom door open. I thought it was Alexis, so I turned to ask if she needed anything. It ended up being your dad. He had a huge grin on his face. My heart skipped a couple of beats as the full realization that he was standing right in front of me sunk in. I threw off the covers and tried to get out of bed, but had some difficulty. Your dad ended up rushing over to me and saying that I didn't need to get up. I was so happy to see him. I started crying as we hugged and kissed. You started kicking again. I like to think that you missed your dad as much as I did.

I slept very soundly, finally next to your dad again. He held me all night and it was perfect. When we woke up, we made breakfast and decided to sit on the couch all day cuddling as we watched old movies on TCM. Alexis and your grandma were very happy to see your dad too, but they didn't want to watch TV with us as they had plans today.

Your dad plans on leaving on Thursday afternoon, so I have a day and a half left before he heads off to Minneapolis. He is coming into the precinct with me tomorrow. I'm hoping he can offer some insight into the case we are working. Two more weeks until he is home for good. I can't wait.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: You ever get to the point where you have 17 tabs open on your browser and they are all fanfics you want to read? Yeah that was me earlier and the OCD in me was telling me to read them before I wrote. I'm down to 6 now, but I wanted to update anyway.**


	44. Chapter 44

06/11/2015

Dear Evie,

Five more days until your dad comes home! Alexis came with to my latest doctor's appointment so I wouldn't be alone. Your dad is still calling every night, as expected. I've been sleeping a little better without him, but I find you pressing against my bladder at all hours of the night so I am constantly getting up for that.

We are working on a case right now that required the assistance of the FBI. I was quite surprised when my ex-boyfriend showed up in the precinct though. He was working with the FBI the last time I saw him, but I didn't think he'd still be in New York. He was pretty shocked to see how pregnant I am. He didn't seem as shocked when I told him I married Richard Castle though. Your dad met him on one of our early cases and Will, my ex, could tell your dad had a thing for me. Will didn't know that I too had a thing for your dad, although I wasn't completely aware of it. I told your dad about meeting up with Will again and he tried his best to hide his jealousy, but I could tell. A jealous Richard Castle can be a little endearing, to be honest. I'm getting very excited for your dad to be home. We start birthing classes on the 20th and I'm happy to be reaching that milestone.

We are getting closer to the two month countdown. I can't believe how close we are to meeting you! I've been having more dreams about you, most of them have been good and happy dreams, but some have made me wake up in tears. It's those times that I wish your dad was here to comfort me. I never want anything bad to happen to you. I love you so much, always remember that.

Love, Mom

**A/N: I really wanted to update this sooner, but I've been having trouble staying awake lately. Fall classes start soon and I'm hoping to get an internship with a Minneapolis publishing company to meet my major requirement, so I will have a very busy fall. I'm hoping to have this fic finished before that though.**


	45. Chapter 45

06/16/2015

Dear Evie,

I surprised your dad today. He was expecting to take a town car home, but I decided to meet him in baggage claim and drive him home myself. There were a lot of people at the airport for a Tuesday, so I was afraid I was going to miss him, but it seemed like the crowd parted just for us and we both spotted each other at the same time. I smiled and waved and he sped up, almost running, before he reached me. He engulfed me in his arms tightly and it didn't take long for me to cry again. His smile was so wide it reached his eyes. He said he wasn't expecting me to be there waiting for him, but he was glad I was. As he wiped away my tears, I told him the same thing I told him when we finally found him last year, "I'll always wait for you." I'm so ecstatic to have him sleeping next to me again. I just want to cuddle with him forever. I'm a total goner when it comes to him. When I fell for him, I fell hard and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I've been reading some pregnancy message boards for advice on what to expect at the birthing classes. It looks like it is common to get a tour of the hospital. While the maternity ward is different than the cardiac ward, I'm glad that your dad and I decided to go to a different hospital than the one I went to after I was shot. I'm not sure I could handle going there again. I want to remember your birth with happiness and not have the memory of my shooting over my head on what should be one of the best days of my life. Classes start on Saturday, so I'll tell you a little about our first class then.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: I'm hoping to update at least once this weekend. I am going to a Twins game tonight and then work until 4 AM so we'll see if it happens tomorrow morning or not.**

**Twitter: AlyssaWriting**


	46. Chapter 46

06/20/2015

Dear Evie,

We had our first birthing class today at the hospital. Your dad was pretty great, even if he was cracking jokes every once in awhile. During the class, we started to learn some breathing techniques to get through the labor. I want to have a natural birth, but with my gunshot wound, it was recommended by my doctor to get an epidural to put less strain on my heart. I haven't had any problems with my heart since the shooting, but we are doing it for a precaution. We also watched two videos of a vaginal birth and a Caesarean section. I told your dad that if he even thought of recording your birth, I would have to kill him. I am very serious about this Evie.

Later on, the class took a tour of the maternity ward. It is a pretty nice place, for a hospital. The rooms are made to make patients feel more at ease. The hospital allows three people in the delivery room. Your dad is definitely one of them. As much as I want my dad there, I don't want your grandma to not be there if he is. I asked Alexis if she would want to be present during the delivery and she was very excited about that. So for now, I think we are just going to have two people there.

Next week it sounds like we are continuing the breathing exercises and learning more about what to expect when labor happens.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: I am so very sorry for not updating sooner. Every morning I get off work and really want to write, but I have been in so much pain from an old high school back injury flaring up when I work that I just couldn't do it. Needless to say, learn from my high school self and if you accidentally set off the football field sprinklers in the middle of track practice, don't go mud sliding.**


	47. Chapter 47

06/27/2015

Dear Evie,

Your dad and I had our second birthing class today. The instructor helped us to figure out when labor was happening and what to expect as it progresses. Your dad was very chatty with a nearby couple who is due a week before you. He ended up inviting them out for lunch after the class.

The couple, Mary Ann and Rob, is expecting a little boy. They plan on naming him Thomas. We all headed to a small café near the hospital and pretty much gave each other our life stories. Mary Ann and I plan on meeting up again. I think she may be my first "Mommy friend," someone that I can go to for advice and to gripe about your dad being overprotective.

I told my captain today that I plan on working half-time once you arrive. I want to be with you as much as I possibly can. I don't want to miss anything. My job is very strenuous and time consuming but I want to make sure you know that you will always come first. Always.

In two weeks we will have our last birthing class and then we are in the final stretch of this pregnancy. The anticipation of meeting you is making me crazy with excitement.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: Two of my non-fanfiction stories were published in a magazine that I'm an editor for and I'm probably going to take a ton of copies on Saturday. I'm not going to lie, but while I was writing those two stories, I imagined Caskett, so they are kind of secret fanfiction.**

**Twitter: AlyssaWriting**


	48. Chapter 48

07/04/2015

Dear Evie,

We didn't have our birthing class today because it is Independence Day, so our last one is next week. Today marks the one year anniversary of when we found your dad. It's amazing how far we have come since then. If someone told me last year when we were looking for him that I would be pregnant the following year, I wouldn't have believed them, not because I believed your dad wasn't going to be found, but because I never imagined we would start our family so quickly. I am very grateful for how things turned out though.

Our family and friends joined us today at the Hamptons for a Fourth of July celebration. Your dad had a huge bash planned and invited a lot of the Hamptons neighbors as well, some I had never even met. It was a lot of work to prepare all of that food, but we did it. Your dad wanted to have it catered, but I told him that it wasn't a Fourth of July party if it was catered, so I insisted he grill out. My dad helped him man the grill because there was a lot of food that needed to be cooked. We had a fantastic time. Now your dad and I are cuddling on the couch. While I'm writing to you, he is reading a novel. We plan on being in the Hamptons for another couple of days, and then it is back to real life. We are working on a case right now that has your dad using his knowledge of etymology, yet another hidden talent of his. Don't tell your dad this, but his extensive and broad expanse of knowledge really does help us out a lot more than I'm willing to admit. I'd tell him that, but his ego is already too big.

Well my dear Evangeline, that is all I have for you tonight. Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: I feel really bad how infrequently I have been updating this. I have a really hard time finding the motivation to write lately now that school is back in session. I hope to update again today, but I won't make any promises.**

**Twitter: AlyssaWriting**


	49. Chapter 49

07/12/2015

Dear Evie,

Yesterday was our last birthing class. They taught us how to properly diaper and swaddle a baby. Your dad is already an expert at that; it was me that needed the help. We took care of a baby over a year ago for a case we were working on and your dad called himself a "baby whisperer." We will see if that still applies when you arrive. I think he puts babies to sleep by boring them with details of proper grammar and sentence structure.

Alexis and Lanie surprised me with a baby shower this afternoon. Your dad took me to a baby boutique to get me out of the loft while they set up. We got back about an hour later and everyone was there and I was very surprised. People I haven't seen much of over the years were there, like my high school friend, Maddie. She teased me because before your dad and I were together, she accused me of wanting "little Castle babies." I denied it wholeheartedly, but I would be lying if I said I didn't fantasize about it occasionally back then.

We received a lot of gifts like diapers, onesies, burp cloths, toys, and one particularly adorable shirt that was custom made. It has a replica of a police vest on it that says "BABY" in big letters across the front and back. It will go well with mine and your dad's vests.

It has been quite an eventful weekend, but it back to the grindstone tomorrow. As much as I love my work, I am actually looking forward to working half-time after you arrive. It will be nice to just take a little break from the hard parts of life and enjoy the beautiful things like little baby bellies and giggles.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: My dad is the baby whisperer in the family and we all joke that he puts them to sleep by discussing labor union policy, which would frankly put anyone to sleep.**


	50. Chapter 50

07/20/2015

Dear Evie,

We are a little less than a month away from meeting you! I am getting impatient because I just want to hold you, but I am also very nervous. I worry about being a good mom to you. Before you, before your dad, I always thought that I never wanted kids. There were times I felt like maybe someday I'd feel like that was something I wanted, but I never had a strong desire to be a mother. When I fell in love with your dad even, I didn't really have a sudden change of heart about it. I knew your dad wanted more kids and we talked about it before we got engaged where I told him that I just wasn't sure I wanted that. Your dad was his amazing self and told me that if I didn't want kids, then he didn't want any more kids because he didn't want to lose me. After we got engaged, the idea of kids didn't seem as daunting or impossible. I have never been a baby person though and I told your dad that when we took care of that baby for one of our cases. He seemed bound and determined to change me. As I stood in a Dumpster with him, I finally admitted to him in not so many words that I had been thinking more about having kids and that when, not if, we had one of our own I wasn't going to be an absent parent, which was something your dad was worried about. It wasn't until I found out I was pregnant with you that I realized how very much I wanted children. I was head over heels in love with you the moment I saw those two pink lines.

A few days ago, my dad confessed that he was pleasantly shocked that I had embraced becoming a mother as well as I have. For years my dad had quietly accepted that he would probably never become a grandpa. He wanted what was best for me and he wanted me to make choices for my life that I would be happy with. He admitted that it wasn't until I met your dad that he started feeling hopeful about the possibility of grandchildren. He knew long before your dad and I admitted it that we were destined for each other.

It wasn't until your dad started showing me and helping me believe in magic again that I believed that soul mates, fate, and destiny were very possible. I read awhile back, before your dad, that Plato wrote that humans were once a body with four arms, four legs, and a single head with two faces. When humans tried to conquer the gods, Zeus decided to punish them by separating their bodies, essentially losing half of themselves. These half-humans were in complete misery without their other half, but when they were lucky enough to find the other they were unified forever and there was never as great a joy as these two halves becoming one again. I found the idea of this as completely preposterous at the time, and then I met your dad. When I was with your dad it felt like I was more whole than I had ever been my entire life. I felt complete and like I was no longer missing something in my life. I didn't even know I was missing this part of myself until he came into my life. I had found my soul mate.

Now in less than a month, we will be welcoming you, our perfect little miracle, the evidence of our eternal love. You are everything to us and I hope you will never doubt that we love you so deep and intrinsically that nothing, absolutely nothing will ever change that.

Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: I went completely sappy with this post and ended up being very wordy.**


	51. Chapter 51

07/28/2015

Dear Evie,

Three more weeks. Three. It seems so close yet so far at the same time. Your dad and I have been practicing strapping in your car seat. It is surprisingly quite difficult to master. Car seats are very different from when Alexis was a baby, so your dad is essentially learning for the first time.

We have been wrapping up one of our final cases before I go on maternity leave. Your dad and I were in interrogation this afternoon with the suspect, a vile excuse for a man really, and I could see him leering at me from across the table. I looked over at your dad and his jaw was tense and his eyes were like daggers at this man. The suspect decided to attempt to get under our skins and said something equally as vile as him about me. Before I could grab a hold of your dad's hand from beneath the table to calm his rage, he had thrown back his chair and practically leaped across the table. I was shocked to say the least, but there wasn't anything I could do without risking hurting you. I yelled for your uncles who were in the observation room and they came bursting through the door trying to restrain your dad, although I could tell they weren't trying _that_ hard. After they pulled your dad out of the room, I followed leaving the injured suspect behind.

Your dad was fuming when I approached him. He was pacing the hallway, running his hands through his hair. I asked him what he was thinking, I wasn't even mad at him. He told me he just had a moment of weakness and that it wouldn't happen again. He also said that he just had this overwhelming need to protect me and that has only intensified while I've been pregnant. I hugged him, hoping to calm him down and then led him to my desk while Javi and Kevin finished with the suspect. My captain was not happy about what happened but figured since we both would be gone soon for a little while and your dad likely not coming back with me full-time that she wouldn't do anything about it.

I've started to nest as they call it. Your dad found me scrubbing the toilets at three in the morning yesterday. He had to pry the toilet brush from my hands and drag me to bed. I had trouble falling asleep then because I kept thinking about everything that needed to be done. When we got home today your dad made dinner while I washed your clothes…again. I honestly can't wait for maternity leave to start because I am having a very hard time focusing on anything that doesn't involve you.

My little Evangeline remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom

**A/N: Seriously can I quit school and just read and write fanfiction for the rest of my life? Maybe when I win the lottery I can do that...**

**Twitter: AlyssaWriting**


	52. Chapter 52

08/06/2015

Dear Evie,

This past week has been an invariable amount of false hopes. I've been experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions almost every day this week. The first time it happened, I panicked thinking it was time, so I told your dad and we headed to the hospital from the precinct. We were sent away because I was not in labor. The next day it happened again while I was in interrogation as luck would have it. It is hard to appear authoritative when you are grimacing in pain. I did manage to freak out the suspect enough that he confessed his sins. You managed to help me play "Bad Cop" even before you are born.

The countdown to meet you is slowly running out and while I would never trade the last 9 months I have had you growing inside of me, it will be amazing when I can see my toes again and not feel the need to use the bathroom every hour. The hourly bathroom breaks will soon be replaced with frequent feedings and diaper changes. I am very glad your dad convinced me to take an extended maternity leave because I have a feeling I will be very exhausted when it comes time for me to return to work and I could use the extra weeks to recuperate, which might not even happen.

My dad came over for a visit the other day and he brought a pastel colored, crocheted afghan. I recognized it instantly. It was a blanket from my childhood, one that my mom had made while she was pregnant with me. I started crying while I held it, wishing my mother was here to experience this with me. I wish for so many missed memories that I could have had with her. I wish she could have met your dad. She was a huge fan of his writing, even before I started reading his books. I have no doubt that my mom would have loved him. She would have loved how unconditionally caring he is, how he loves wholeheartedly and how great of a father he is. She would no doubt take comfort in the fact that your dad loves me and he is never afraid to show it. Most of all, I wish my mom could have met you. I suppose if heaven is real and that is where my mom is, then you two probably did meet in a transcendental capacity. I am not one to think spiritually, but I like to imagine that my mom sent you to me and your dad, like she picked your soul out of all the other souls knowing that only you would help me grow, help me be more than who I am. The afghan is now draped over the rails of your crib to remind me that my mom is always near, watching over us all, especially you.

We are expecting you in 12 days unless you decide to come early or come late, which I hope you won't do because I really want to meet you. We all can feel the buzz of excitement in the loft knowing that soon there will be a brand new person joining our family. The anticipation is making us all crazy.

I hope to see you soon Little One. Remember I will love you for always.

Love, Mom


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